Alive & sober by God's grace I have not found it necessary to take a drink since 2-21-2007.
My life and those around me have begun to heal and I've discovered Nursing as a calling. I constantly have new opportunities to grow in spiritual & professional ways. I am a Nursing Assistant now and began this journey cleaning toilets in a LTC facility...I needed to learn humility and He showed me how to complete each task as I grew. From self-care to truly caring for others and being a blessing not a burden.
AA's design for living has shown me I don't have to get sucked in when the 'normal' people are ranting and moaning about this and that isn't right or fair, or the way it should be...
Thank my Higher Power for that, and the power to keep on going when it seems old behavior would be the 'easiest' route....
Grateful to speak to you all here, and even more grateful to be alive today.
If you're new to sobriety, keep coming back, if you're sober a few 24 hours, keep coming back...It gets better, and better, and better....
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
A fellow blogger said...
This post from KNOWLEDGE JUNKIE really resonated with me...I can relate to the feelings of living to please others, no matter how clear or obscure their expectations...and that emptiness when I discovered how much time and energy I have wasted doing this in my life.
I have begun to build ME as I see ME, Like Scott L. (check him out on AASpeakers.org) says in one of his talks, the early steps clean out the bad stuff, and we're left with a clean empty can, and then the next step fill us with good, so that when down the road life happens, as it always does, and negatives flow in, we are full of good and we can reach down into that good and get through.
Hmmm, I really am glad I chose to blog early on, and ever so sporadically continue to, writing and words are so easy at times and maybe Gramma was right!?
Hey KNOWLEDGE JUNKIE, glad you're here.
Love & Service,
~Shugg
I have begun to build ME as I see ME, Like Scott L. (check him out on AASpeakers.org) says in one of his talks, the early steps clean out the bad stuff, and we're left with a clean empty can, and then the next step fill us with good, so that when down the road life happens, as it always does, and negatives flow in, we are full of good and we can reach down into that good and get through.
Hmmm, I really am glad I chose to blog early on, and ever so sporadically continue to, writing and words are so easy at times and maybe Gramma was right!?
Hey KNOWLEDGE JUNKIE, glad you're here.
Love & Service,
~Shugg
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Seeing through "New Glasses"
I have to get to work soon, but I wanted to share with you here how wonderful seeing through new glasses can be.
Last night was home group, and although I had gotten a blue chip for the 2 year mark, my home group presents a medallion at the end of the month for all anniversaries.
The man giving out the chips last night USED TO BE one of the people I actively bumped heads with most in the program....he is the old timer I worked for and whined so much about here in many a blog as the dry alcoholic....(I'll add links to old posts later).
He used to, or I think now I should say, I used to ALLOW him to push my buttons and make me angry or feel like HE just didn't understand me, or that HE should do this and that different....
anyhow, he made the most wonderful presntation to the group saying how I came in fighting all the way, kicking and screaming, but somehow, I finally "softened", and how proud he was to know me and how he's enjoyed watching me grow....
We often tease one another now, how we think the OTHER has grown...like he's said, "You know, Shugrr....I think you've grown" and I'd say, well, I think YOU have", and then we'll laugh and hug and geniunely enjoy the growth we BOTH have made over the last 2 years...
so If there is someone in your life who just rubs you the wrong way...likely GOD has put them there to teach you about YOU....just wait...miracles DO happen. And those foes you can't stand, who "F*&%K with your Serenity"...they could just turn out to be your closest allies int his deal...it isn't up to YOU ya know.
God has my best interests in mind...and I have to TRUST Him on that.
Thanks for reading,
off to work....
~Shugg
Last night was home group, and although I had gotten a blue chip for the 2 year mark, my home group presents a medallion at the end of the month for all anniversaries.
The man giving out the chips last night USED TO BE one of the people I actively bumped heads with most in the program....he is the old timer I worked for and whined so much about here in many a blog as the dry alcoholic....(I'll add links to old posts later).
He used to, or I think now I should say, I used to ALLOW him to push my buttons and make me angry or feel like HE just didn't understand me, or that HE should do this and that different....
anyhow, he made the most wonderful presntation to the group saying how I came in fighting all the way, kicking and screaming, but somehow, I finally "softened", and how proud he was to know me and how he's enjoyed watching me grow....
We often tease one another now, how we think the OTHER has grown...like he's said, "You know, Shugrr....I think you've grown" and I'd say, well, I think YOU have", and then we'll laugh and hug and geniunely enjoy the growth we BOTH have made over the last 2 years...
so If there is someone in your life who just rubs you the wrong way...likely GOD has put them there to teach you about YOU....just wait...miracles DO happen. And those foes you can't stand, who "F*&%K with your Serenity"...they could just turn out to be your closest allies int his deal...it isn't up to YOU ya know.
God has my best interests in mind...and I have to TRUST Him on that.
Thanks for reading,
off to work....
~Shugg
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Growth always follows pain...
I read this somewhere today and decided to respond to it...I saw my own growth just in reading it, so I thought I'd share it with you here...(My response follows)
Trying NOT to put expectations on people.
Current mood: confused
A family member that I had quit speaking to because I felt they constantly let me down contacted me. She said she misses me terribly, believes family is forever...no matter what, and begged me to please write her back.
That was on the 19th. I did write her back...that day. She read my response...that day. I was nice, said I'd missed her too...but, as usual...she flaked out.
I know that's how she is and I feel like a fool for getting suckered in again. So, I'm trying to make a decision....accept her as she is and just know that I will constantly be let down, or just stay away like I'd been doing.
I kept thinking that if I didn't put expectations on her to do what she says, etc. that I wouldn't get hurt.
Apparently I don't know how not to put expectations on people.
Any suggestions?
1:38 PM
I responded:
Lower your expectations by letting go of the time line on it...your time, her time and your Higher Power's time may all have different clocks...I am in the same position with a family member (or 2 or 3...) and until I completely let go of the fact that no one quite understands how much I have changed, and they may not ever, but as long as they stay stuck in their own lives reliving the past, or expecting me to do this and that and this THEIR way...I stayed stuck. Put them in the God box and let him have it...pray for them every night, not that they will DO what YOU want, but that they are safe and happy and get all they need in life... GOD gets to pick what they get, not us... that's my .02 Be blessed my friend.
February 28, 2009 - Saturday 12:13 PM
Trying NOT to put expectations on people.
Current mood: confused
A family member that I had quit speaking to because I felt they constantly let me down contacted me. She said she misses me terribly, believes family is forever...no matter what, and begged me to please write her back.
That was on the 19th. I did write her back...that day. She read my response...that day. I was nice, said I'd missed her too...but, as usual...she flaked out.
I know that's how she is and I feel like a fool for getting suckered in again. So, I'm trying to make a decision....accept her as she is and just know that I will constantly be let down, or just stay away like I'd been doing.
I kept thinking that if I didn't put expectations on her to do what she says, etc. that I wouldn't get hurt.
Apparently I don't know how not to put expectations on people.
Any suggestions?
1:38 PM
I responded:
Lower your expectations by letting go of the time line on it...your time, her time and your Higher Power's time may all have different clocks...I am in the same position with a family member (or 2 or 3...) and until I completely let go of the fact that no one quite understands how much I have changed, and they may not ever, but as long as they stay stuck in their own lives reliving the past, or expecting me to do this and that and this THEIR way...I stayed stuck. Put them in the God box and let him have it...pray for them every night, not that they will DO what YOU want, but that they are safe and happy and get all they need in life... GOD gets to pick what they get, not us... that's my .02 Be blessed my friend.
February 28, 2009 - Saturday 12:13 PM
Progress...in His time....not mine
Since coming into the rooms of AA I have had to re-learn to live, using new tools and in honor of the progress my Higher power has graced me with I thought I'd let you all know how far I have come and how far I yet have to go...as I see it anyway.
Today is a rainy grey day, with warm temps but yet still a day I would have seen 2 years ago as a day to grab a bottle and climb into my head, loaded and mislead I would have seen it as the perfect day to sit alone and lonely with my old best friend.
In early sobriety I was told to pray, go to meetings, read the Big Book, call my sponsor and call other alcoholics...today I can see how doing all those things, however stupid they seemed at the time have kept me sober one day at a time for over 731 days...did I ever think it would work? Probably not right away but as I kept coming to the meetings, reading that Big Book and praying to my Higher Power (I call Him God, now) for help with the day I woke up in, it DID work. In spite of me.
I came in emotionally, physically and spiritually dead. My Blood pressure was sky high, I had bad skin, greasy hair, I hated to shower or brush my teeth, and my clothes felt like a costume for the rest of the world to see.
I had no hope until that first meeting were someone reached out to me and said, "You never have to drink again, come with us...it gets better."
I took that white chip and slept with it imprinting my palm for days until I really felt I had a chance....I had found something....power, prayer, hope in that meeting and as I learned about the disease I have I also learned that no matter what the past looked like, I had a chance at a future.
I worked PT as a non medical home care worker, mostly folks who were elderly, I washed their clothes, I cleaned their toilets, I walked their dogs. As time went on I found a position as a provate caregiver working for an oldtimer of the local rooms whose wife was a stroke survivor and cared for her/them for a long time, all the while learning how to grow and change, I let my oldtimer boss anger me so so many times and held resentments and let the very things that brought me down eat away each day until I finally took a new job as a housekeeper in a long term care facility.
Here GOD showed me more of the things I had been unable or unwilling to do as a human being on His earth....I mopped, cleaned more toilets, wiped up messes and scrubbed walls...I had to do the job I used to see as the most lowly of all, but learned from the bottom up how NORMAL people do things in life...they don't spend hours pondering "Why me? why do I have to do this?".
I then moved up into a position as a kitchen aide in the same facility where I learned to feed and care for others, I also learned about how even NORMAL people can be angry and lost, and I let someone there get power over my moods by not accepting her ways and trying over and over to change HER, instead of myself...
As time went on, my room mate (who also worked there @ the time) suggested I take the CNA course offered and that would give me a chance to try a new path, one with a future.
I took the course just to have a month to think and learn a new set of skills and in taking that class learned more about myself and how I STILL held others to MY expectations, needless to say, they could never make the mark, my expectations were still too high... "and we stayed sore, that's as far as most of us got" (BigBook loosely quoted)
When I completed the course I was again givven the opportunity to work for the oldtimer but this time I had learned not to hand over the controls and give him the power to anger me with his character defects...defects I had come to see as my own...
In time I came into a job as a CNA in the home setting, working with medicaide clients who need help with the simple things, like making the bed and cleaning them selves, bathing, dressing and regular every day things I used to take for granted...
The job offer I have been praying for came thru the other day....exactly 2 years and 6 days from the start of my recovery...I will work in a large teaching hospital with patients recovering from strokes, spinal injuries and surgeries...
The way I NOW see it is that sort of like boot camp in the army, GOD saw it fit to take me one step at a time trhu each of the things I used to take for granted and show me one day at a time that I CAN be a positive human on His earth...
Today I'm grateful and I still go to meetings, call my sponsor, read the Big Book and call other alcoholics...I also get to sponsor new comers and continue re-treading each of those steps...my past experience has helped others in recovery and I never have to drink again.
I've come a long way, and still have miles to go before I leave this world.
I have no idea if any of this helps anyone but me today, but in the 2 years I have been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous I have learned so much and realized exactly how little I really knew, and you know what?? I'm glad...I'm glad I choose today to see each step, each call on the phone, each situation that makes me stop and listen to GOD as exactly where I am supposed to be today.
Today is a wonderful day to count my blessings and continue forward, holding hands with the newcomers and the oldtimers, all walking the same path, reaching back to pull straglers up and waiting for their return when they falter...it really DOES get better...One Day at a Time.
Thanks for reading and letting me share.
Today is a rainy grey day, with warm temps but yet still a day I would have seen 2 years ago as a day to grab a bottle and climb into my head, loaded and mislead I would have seen it as the perfect day to sit alone and lonely with my old best friend.
In early sobriety I was told to pray, go to meetings, read the Big Book, call my sponsor and call other alcoholics...today I can see how doing all those things, however stupid they seemed at the time have kept me sober one day at a time for over 731 days...did I ever think it would work? Probably not right away but as I kept coming to the meetings, reading that Big Book and praying to my Higher Power (I call Him God, now) for help with the day I woke up in, it DID work. In spite of me.
I came in emotionally, physically and spiritually dead. My Blood pressure was sky high, I had bad skin, greasy hair, I hated to shower or brush my teeth, and my clothes felt like a costume for the rest of the world to see.
I had no hope until that first meeting were someone reached out to me and said, "You never have to drink again, come with us...it gets better."
I took that white chip and slept with it imprinting my palm for days until I really felt I had a chance....I had found something....power, prayer, hope in that meeting and as I learned about the disease I have I also learned that no matter what the past looked like, I had a chance at a future.
I worked PT as a non medical home care worker, mostly folks who were elderly, I washed their clothes, I cleaned their toilets, I walked their dogs. As time went on I found a position as a provate caregiver working for an oldtimer of the local rooms whose wife was a stroke survivor and cared for her/them for a long time, all the while learning how to grow and change, I let my oldtimer boss anger me so so many times and held resentments and let the very things that brought me down eat away each day until I finally took a new job as a housekeeper in a long term care facility.
Here GOD showed me more of the things I had been unable or unwilling to do as a human being on His earth....I mopped, cleaned more toilets, wiped up messes and scrubbed walls...I had to do the job I used to see as the most lowly of all, but learned from the bottom up how NORMAL people do things in life...they don't spend hours pondering "Why me? why do I have to do this?".
I then moved up into a position as a kitchen aide in the same facility where I learned to feed and care for others, I also learned about how even NORMAL people can be angry and lost, and I let someone there get power over my moods by not accepting her ways and trying over and over to change HER, instead of myself...
As time went on, my room mate (who also worked there @ the time) suggested I take the CNA course offered and that would give me a chance to try a new path, one with a future.
I took the course just to have a month to think and learn a new set of skills and in taking that class learned more about myself and how I STILL held others to MY expectations, needless to say, they could never make the mark, my expectations were still too high... "and we stayed sore, that's as far as most of us got" (BigBook loosely quoted)
When I completed the course I was again givven the opportunity to work for the oldtimer but this time I had learned not to hand over the controls and give him the power to anger me with his character defects...defects I had come to see as my own...
In time I came into a job as a CNA in the home setting, working with medicaide clients who need help with the simple things, like making the bed and cleaning them selves, bathing, dressing and regular every day things I used to take for granted...
The job offer I have been praying for came thru the other day....exactly 2 years and 6 days from the start of my recovery...I will work in a large teaching hospital with patients recovering from strokes, spinal injuries and surgeries...
The way I NOW see it is that sort of like boot camp in the army, GOD saw it fit to take me one step at a time trhu each of the things I used to take for granted and show me one day at a time that I CAN be a positive human on His earth...
Today I'm grateful and I still go to meetings, call my sponsor, read the Big Book and call other alcoholics...I also get to sponsor new comers and continue re-treading each of those steps...my past experience has helped others in recovery and I never have to drink again.
I've come a long way, and still have miles to go before I leave this world.
I have no idea if any of this helps anyone but me today, but in the 2 years I have been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous I have learned so much and realized exactly how little I really knew, and you know what?? I'm glad...I'm glad I choose today to see each step, each call on the phone, each situation that makes me stop and listen to GOD as exactly where I am supposed to be today.
Today is a wonderful day to count my blessings and continue forward, holding hands with the newcomers and the oldtimers, all walking the same path, reaching back to pull straglers up and waiting for their return when they falter...it really DOES get better...One Day at a Time.
Thanks for reading and letting me share.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens
It always seems that when I've spent a lot of time hanging onto something....by thinking how it should go, or how I expect it to go, and then finally really and truly let go of it, that my Higher Power throws me a sign, or something I never thought of or imagined.
Like, recently I was thinking and praying and wondering what would come of a recent job situation, and when I fully conceded to my innermost self that I should just put on my big girl panties, and deal with WHATEVER He had planned for me, wearing a smile and doing the best I could do in a positive manor ..... and just tonight I got word of an offer for a job I have wanted and waited for for many months. :) Thanks God!
Right now it's just an offer, but the point I am trying to make is that when I hit a few extra meetings, pray a little more, and ask Him to show me HIS plan...it always works out...WITH or WITHOUT my worry....
Accepting that I am right where I am supposed to be wherever I am is something that this alcoholic is still learning...
Thanks for letting me share, I hope this helps someone else too, because by sharing my sobriety I also get to keep it.
~Shugg
PS Thanks for the extra message Steveroni...I've been slack on my blogging and it feels good to get back to it. just another tool in the box :)
_________________
"When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when
we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could
have planned."
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 100
Like, recently I was thinking and praying and wondering what would come of a recent job situation, and when I fully conceded to my innermost self that I should just put on my big girl panties, and deal with WHATEVER He had planned for me, wearing a smile and doing the best I could do in a positive manor ..... and just tonight I got word of an offer for a job I have wanted and waited for for many months. :) Thanks God!
Right now it's just an offer, but the point I am trying to make is that when I hit a few extra meetings, pray a little more, and ask Him to show me HIS plan...it always works out...WITH or WITHOUT my worry....
Accepting that I am right where I am supposed to be wherever I am is something that this alcoholic is still learning...
Thanks for letting me share, I hope this helps someone else too, because by sharing my sobriety I also get to keep it.
~Shugg
PS Thanks for the extra message Steveroni...I've been slack on my blogging and it feels good to get back to it. just another tool in the box :)
_________________
"When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when
we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could
have planned."
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 100
Friday, February 20, 2009
Why I do the job I do... and Thanks for the reminder!
I read this today while job searching...I am grateful to say I am working PT as a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) for 2 different services currently doing in-home care, I have one client who is a new amputee due to diabetes complications and one who is recovering form heart problems...
Bathing and dressing, helping them to the toilet and making meals for them is not all I do, I ask my Higher Power, who I call God, to make me an extension of His hands each day.
I learned that in Ms. Faye's class while training and will never forget it...
How we'd clasp each other's hands at the beginning of our class and pray that He would show us how to do our jobs with skill and compassion for the patients we are charged with.
I'm grateful for the job and the paycheck but more so I am grateful to be with each of them to help them get things done that used to be easy tasks and to smile and laugh together as they go through things MUCH more dramatic and important than all the little things I often take for granted...
Thanks to my Higher Power today for the opportunity to serve others, and to live a good sober life...
Please be sure to read it all...it's long but if you have ever wondered what it would be like to be completely powerless and locked inside yourself with very little hope of changing it...this may help you realize as it did me, that I am blessed many many times over and should remain grateful.
~Shug
A Patient's Perspective
Copyright 2001, Rachel Giarrizzo
I wrote the following essay in 2001 to offer some insight to new CNA's on some of the issues patients deal with on a daily basis. A lot of the following text is the result of countless conversations with my patients over the years, combined with common sense and empathy. As a Nursing Assistant, in the midst of your hectic work day, always make it a point to stop and consider the patient's perspective. If you do this daily, you will develop increased patience, compassion and a desire to provide exceptional care while maintaining your patients' dignity.
"Come on! Time to get up! You don't want to be late for breakfast!" The voice, like a bugle, interrupted my sleep while the curtains were thrown back, blinding me with a brilliant sunrise.
Another day. I squinted, trying to see the clock. Six? Am I actually being dragged out of bed at six in the morning, again?
I heard the water running in the bathroom and then watched as the Nursing Assistant rummaged through my closet, looking for an outfit. I silently hoped that she would choose pants that didn't fit too snugly, and prayed she would dress me in a long-sleeved shirt and sweater. The temperatures in this place can reach arctic levels!
I heard a scream coming from the far corner of the room, followed by what sounded like a slap. My roomate was at it, again. She was severely demented and had no control over her combative behavior. She routinely gave the staff a run for their money during care. She screamed, pinched, slapped, kicked and once she even got a grip on someone's hair. That was a time to remember! It took two nurses and an CNA to release her hold!
How life had changed for me, over the last month or so. I had a stroke not long ago. The doctors didn't think I'd live. I showed them, though! I came to live here unwillingly, but don't we all? I never dreamed this is how my life would end. I was supposed to be healthy and active for at least another ten years! My husband and I had planned our 'Golden Years' many years ago. We had been saving every penny we could, in hopes of securing a comfortable retirement. Our hopes were dashed, however, when my husband died unexpectedly five years ago.
The money we had so carefully stashed away is now dwindling. From what I understand, the rent in this place is pretty steep! Apparantly, Medicare will not cover my expenses until I am fresh out of funds. My house was sold and the money will go to this new home of mine. I wonder if the staff here realizes that my hard earned money is paying their salaries? Oh, well, no matter. The staff I have encountered so far have made my experience as pleasant as possible, considering the circumstances.
The stroke left me paralyzed on the left side of my body. I am unable to walk, or even stand. I require assitance for every aspect of my life, even going to the bathroom! The powerlessness that I felt in the beginning was compounded by the humiliation I felt at having my personal space and privacy so completely stripped away. I have always been a very independent woman, and in the beginning, I didn't take too kindly to having to depend on others for my very existence.
Because of the stroke, I have trouble speaking, as well. Most of the staff have been very patient and helpful, trying their best to anticipate my needs and listening carefully when I do try to speak. For the most part, I remain silent. I have no family to come and visit with me, so chatting with and listening to the CNA's share stories with me about their lives is such a welcome and much needed part of my day. They often will ask me questions about my life and my feelings that only require a 'yes' or 'no' answer. I am grateful for the communication. It can be so lonely here.
The Nursing Assistant approaches my bed with an outfit in hand. She leaves for a minute and comes back with a basin of water. The blankets are pulled off of me and I am hit with a rush of cold air. Not all CNA's take the time to cover me with a bath blanket while they help me get washed up, so I'm chilly through the entire bed bath some mornings.
On this morning, I feel the bed beneath me with my good hand. Wet, again. Of all the effects of the stroke, incontinence is the one I've had the hardest time dealing with. I cringe when one of the CNA's calls my undergarment a 'diaper'. It is simply degrading, despite the fact that, well, that's what it is.
I am given a bed bath and dressed, all while laying in bed. I try my best to help my caregiver, following their instructions to grab the siderail as I turn. We make small talk, actually a one-sided conversation, until they announce they're going to find someone to help lift me into my wheelchair.
The wheelchair is another thing I have had a hard time getting used to. With one arm, it is impossible to push myself along. Consequently, wherever I am placed, there I stay, until I am moved again. The wheelchair is relatively comfortable, however, after an hour or so, it starts to feel like my hips are being squeezed together and my bottom becomes numb. I try to shuffle myself in the chair, however, this usually causes me to slide to one side and I am even more uncomfortable! Aside from the discomfort, sometimes I am placed beside a noisy resident who drives me crazy! She makes loud meaningless noises all day. I know she can't help it, the poor thing, but honestly, I can't take more than five minutes of it! I am always afraid to ask to be moved, because I don't want to appear cold and uncaring. I also don't want the CNA's to think I am petty, or a pain in the neck. They are always so busy.
As I lay in bed waiting for the CNA to return with her partner, I am being verbally assaulted by the woman in the next bed, who swears this is her house and I am an intruder. She threatens to call the police and I half hope she does...we could use a little excitement around here! Apparently, the girl who started care on her this morning got slapped one time too many, and went off to start on someone else first.
The Nursing Assistants come into the room arguing this morning. It seems they are both running behind today and tension is reigning on the floor. Someone must have called in sick, again. It seems the floor runs short more often than not. I can always tell by the expressions the staff are wearing whether they are short staffed or not.When they are short, they do what I've heard called the 'CNA shuffle', which is a walk that almost borders on a run. When they are short, the call lights are like a symphony and they never stop for a minute. It seems, when they are short, everyone is in a bad mood. It makes me feel like a burden.
I am lifted into my wheelchair on the count of three. It has only been a month, and I am still not used to the feeling of being gripped and lifted by two girls half my size. I try not to show my fear, but I must admit, the thought of landing on the floor terrifies me.
I am wheeled to the dining room and placed at my table. Now, I just sit and wait. I watch the people around me and try to imagine what they were like before they were sick. I laugh to myself as the phrase "What are you in for?" crosses my mind. At times, I do feel imprisoned.
For safety reasons, I am not allowed to leave and even if I could, where would I go? I have no home, no family, no car...I don't even have a pocketbook anymore! (I have no money, so what's the point?) Sometimes, we are brought out to the balcony or the courtyard for fresh air. Since they have been working short staffed so often, however, that is a special treat.
The smell of toast and bacon brings me back to reality. Meals are something I don't look forward to anymore. My stroke has impaired my ability to chew and swallow properly, so the doctor decided to put me on a ground diet. Everything I eat has to be put through a blender first. The appearance of the food is not very appetizing. The consistency is even worse. I often find myself craving a nice piece of steak, or even a solid piece of chicken. The taste of the food is bland. I have been told the kitchen prepares the food with no salt, to accomodate those residents on a low salt diet. I pray that whoever serves me my meals has the insight to sprinkle a little salt on the plate!
Since I have swallowing difficulty, my liquids have something added to them that thickens the consistency. Mine is only thickened to a nectar consistency. There are people at the table with me who need to be spoon fed their liquids, they are so thick. Imagine, I ever took gulping water for granted! Somehow, thickened water just isn't the same.
After breakfast, it's time for activities! This is a high point of my day. They always seem to come up with new ways to entertain. My favorites are Bingo and reminiscing. I love to listen to people talk about the good old days...so many memories! I also love the musical entertainment! Once, we had a group of young children, Irish step dancers. We all loved that! They danced around the entire room! Sometimes, a person will bring in an animal or two. Babies and animals seem to be a big hit!
Activities are the highlight of my day, but I feel sorry for some of the other residents, the disruptive ones, who are banned from activities. Sometimes, it's because another resident complained about them. Other times, it's because the activities staff feel they are too disruptive to the group. Either way, I feel they are being left out.
Bathroom time, now there's the low point of my day! It is a constant reminder of my incontinence and my inability to get onto the toilet on my own. I can only hope I get used to the daily ritual.
The rest of my day progresses pretty much the same as the beginning, with the exception of getting into bed instead of out! Sometimes, when they are short staffed, I have to wait longer then I'd like to be put to bed. I like to get to bed early, because six o'clock in the morning comes too fast!
As I lay here and listen to the defiant one in the next bed, I wonder to myself why she hasn't caught on to the routine yet. I listen as the Nursing Assistant tries to reassure her for the ten thousandth time that everything is ok.
It has only been a month for me, and I am not here willingly. I have come up against tremendous changes and I have weathered them. Some of my problems, I am still working out. I would, of course, rather be home in my own bed, with my own life, not dependent on anyone but myself.
"We're all done! Give me a hug", I hear the CNA say to my roomate. Surprisingly, she complied. I smiled to myself and settled under the covers.
Yes, everything's going to be alright.
_________________________________________
Notice:
Due to the huge number of emails I recieve requesting permission to use this essay in various ways, I have decided that it's no longer necessary to email me for permission to use it, provided the following instructions are adhered to. Thanks so much for your interest.
Permission is granted to use this essay, in whole or in part, in printed form only. Permission is not granted to post this essay, in whole or in part, online. Webmasters may link to this essay, provided it is done without the use of frames.
All printed copies of this essay, in whole or in part, MUST include the following information:
Copyright 2001, Rachel Giarrizzo
www.NursingAssistantCentral.com
Bathing and dressing, helping them to the toilet and making meals for them is not all I do, I ask my Higher Power, who I call God, to make me an extension of His hands each day.
I learned that in Ms. Faye's class while training and will never forget it...
How we'd clasp each other's hands at the beginning of our class and pray that He would show us how to do our jobs with skill and compassion for the patients we are charged with.
I'm grateful for the job and the paycheck but more so I am grateful to be with each of them to help them get things done that used to be easy tasks and to smile and laugh together as they go through things MUCH more dramatic and important than all the little things I often take for granted...
Thanks to my Higher Power today for the opportunity to serve others, and to live a good sober life...
Please be sure to read it all...it's long but if you have ever wondered what it would be like to be completely powerless and locked inside yourself with very little hope of changing it...this may help you realize as it did me, that I am blessed many many times over and should remain grateful.
~Shug
A Patient's Perspective
Copyright 2001, Rachel Giarrizzo
I wrote the following essay in 2001 to offer some insight to new CNA's on some of the issues patients deal with on a daily basis. A lot of the following text is the result of countless conversations with my patients over the years, combined with common sense and empathy. As a Nursing Assistant, in the midst of your hectic work day, always make it a point to stop and consider the patient's perspective. If you do this daily, you will develop increased patience, compassion and a desire to provide exceptional care while maintaining your patients' dignity.
"Come on! Time to get up! You don't want to be late for breakfast!" The voice, like a bugle, interrupted my sleep while the curtains were thrown back, blinding me with a brilliant sunrise.
Another day. I squinted, trying to see the clock. Six? Am I actually being dragged out of bed at six in the morning, again?
I heard the water running in the bathroom and then watched as the Nursing Assistant rummaged through my closet, looking for an outfit. I silently hoped that she would choose pants that didn't fit too snugly, and prayed she would dress me in a long-sleeved shirt and sweater. The temperatures in this place can reach arctic levels!
I heard a scream coming from the far corner of the room, followed by what sounded like a slap. My roomate was at it, again. She was severely demented and had no control over her combative behavior. She routinely gave the staff a run for their money during care. She screamed, pinched, slapped, kicked and once she even got a grip on someone's hair. That was a time to remember! It took two nurses and an CNA to release her hold!
How life had changed for me, over the last month or so. I had a stroke not long ago. The doctors didn't think I'd live. I showed them, though! I came to live here unwillingly, but don't we all? I never dreamed this is how my life would end. I was supposed to be healthy and active for at least another ten years! My husband and I had planned our 'Golden Years' many years ago. We had been saving every penny we could, in hopes of securing a comfortable retirement. Our hopes were dashed, however, when my husband died unexpectedly five years ago.
The money we had so carefully stashed away is now dwindling. From what I understand, the rent in this place is pretty steep! Apparantly, Medicare will not cover my expenses until I am fresh out of funds. My house was sold and the money will go to this new home of mine. I wonder if the staff here realizes that my hard earned money is paying their salaries? Oh, well, no matter. The staff I have encountered so far have made my experience as pleasant as possible, considering the circumstances.
The stroke left me paralyzed on the left side of my body. I am unable to walk, or even stand. I require assitance for every aspect of my life, even going to the bathroom! The powerlessness that I felt in the beginning was compounded by the humiliation I felt at having my personal space and privacy so completely stripped away. I have always been a very independent woman, and in the beginning, I didn't take too kindly to having to depend on others for my very existence.
Because of the stroke, I have trouble speaking, as well. Most of the staff have been very patient and helpful, trying their best to anticipate my needs and listening carefully when I do try to speak. For the most part, I remain silent. I have no family to come and visit with me, so chatting with and listening to the CNA's share stories with me about their lives is such a welcome and much needed part of my day. They often will ask me questions about my life and my feelings that only require a 'yes' or 'no' answer. I am grateful for the communication. It can be so lonely here.
The Nursing Assistant approaches my bed with an outfit in hand. She leaves for a minute and comes back with a basin of water. The blankets are pulled off of me and I am hit with a rush of cold air. Not all CNA's take the time to cover me with a bath blanket while they help me get washed up, so I'm chilly through the entire bed bath some mornings.
On this morning, I feel the bed beneath me with my good hand. Wet, again. Of all the effects of the stroke, incontinence is the one I've had the hardest time dealing with. I cringe when one of the CNA's calls my undergarment a 'diaper'. It is simply degrading, despite the fact that, well, that's what it is.
I am given a bed bath and dressed, all while laying in bed. I try my best to help my caregiver, following their instructions to grab the siderail as I turn. We make small talk, actually a one-sided conversation, until they announce they're going to find someone to help lift me into my wheelchair.
The wheelchair is another thing I have had a hard time getting used to. With one arm, it is impossible to push myself along. Consequently, wherever I am placed, there I stay, until I am moved again. The wheelchair is relatively comfortable, however, after an hour or so, it starts to feel like my hips are being squeezed together and my bottom becomes numb. I try to shuffle myself in the chair, however, this usually causes me to slide to one side and I am even more uncomfortable! Aside from the discomfort, sometimes I am placed beside a noisy resident who drives me crazy! She makes loud meaningless noises all day. I know she can't help it, the poor thing, but honestly, I can't take more than five minutes of it! I am always afraid to ask to be moved, because I don't want to appear cold and uncaring. I also don't want the CNA's to think I am petty, or a pain in the neck. They are always so busy.
As I lay in bed waiting for the CNA to return with her partner, I am being verbally assaulted by the woman in the next bed, who swears this is her house and I am an intruder. She threatens to call the police and I half hope she does...we could use a little excitement around here! Apparently, the girl who started care on her this morning got slapped one time too many, and went off to start on someone else first.
The Nursing Assistants come into the room arguing this morning. It seems they are both running behind today and tension is reigning on the floor. Someone must have called in sick, again. It seems the floor runs short more often than not. I can always tell by the expressions the staff are wearing whether they are short staffed or not.When they are short, they do what I've heard called the 'CNA shuffle', which is a walk that almost borders on a run. When they are short, the call lights are like a symphony and they never stop for a minute. It seems, when they are short, everyone is in a bad mood. It makes me feel like a burden.
I am lifted into my wheelchair on the count of three. It has only been a month, and I am still not used to the feeling of being gripped and lifted by two girls half my size. I try not to show my fear, but I must admit, the thought of landing on the floor terrifies me.
I am wheeled to the dining room and placed at my table. Now, I just sit and wait. I watch the people around me and try to imagine what they were like before they were sick. I laugh to myself as the phrase "What are you in for?" crosses my mind. At times, I do feel imprisoned.
For safety reasons, I am not allowed to leave and even if I could, where would I go? I have no home, no family, no car...I don't even have a pocketbook anymore! (I have no money, so what's the point?) Sometimes, we are brought out to the balcony or the courtyard for fresh air. Since they have been working short staffed so often, however, that is a special treat.
The smell of toast and bacon brings me back to reality. Meals are something I don't look forward to anymore. My stroke has impaired my ability to chew and swallow properly, so the doctor decided to put me on a ground diet. Everything I eat has to be put through a blender first. The appearance of the food is not very appetizing. The consistency is even worse. I often find myself craving a nice piece of steak, or even a solid piece of chicken. The taste of the food is bland. I have been told the kitchen prepares the food with no salt, to accomodate those residents on a low salt diet. I pray that whoever serves me my meals has the insight to sprinkle a little salt on the plate!
Since I have swallowing difficulty, my liquids have something added to them that thickens the consistency. Mine is only thickened to a nectar consistency. There are people at the table with me who need to be spoon fed their liquids, they are so thick. Imagine, I ever took gulping water for granted! Somehow, thickened water just isn't the same.
After breakfast, it's time for activities! This is a high point of my day. They always seem to come up with new ways to entertain. My favorites are Bingo and reminiscing. I love to listen to people talk about the good old days...so many memories! I also love the musical entertainment! Once, we had a group of young children, Irish step dancers. We all loved that! They danced around the entire room! Sometimes, a person will bring in an animal or two. Babies and animals seem to be a big hit!
Activities are the highlight of my day, but I feel sorry for some of the other residents, the disruptive ones, who are banned from activities. Sometimes, it's because another resident complained about them. Other times, it's because the activities staff feel they are too disruptive to the group. Either way, I feel they are being left out.
Bathroom time, now there's the low point of my day! It is a constant reminder of my incontinence and my inability to get onto the toilet on my own. I can only hope I get used to the daily ritual.
The rest of my day progresses pretty much the same as the beginning, with the exception of getting into bed instead of out! Sometimes, when they are short staffed, I have to wait longer then I'd like to be put to bed. I like to get to bed early, because six o'clock in the morning comes too fast!
As I lay here and listen to the defiant one in the next bed, I wonder to myself why she hasn't caught on to the routine yet. I listen as the Nursing Assistant tries to reassure her for the ten thousandth time that everything is ok.
It has only been a month for me, and I am not here willingly. I have come up against tremendous changes and I have weathered them. Some of my problems, I am still working out. I would, of course, rather be home in my own bed, with my own life, not dependent on anyone but myself.
"We're all done! Give me a hug", I hear the CNA say to my roomate. Surprisingly, she complied. I smiled to myself and settled under the covers.
Yes, everything's going to be alright.
_________________________________________
Notice:
Due to the huge number of emails I recieve requesting permission to use this essay in various ways, I have decided that it's no longer necessary to email me for permission to use it, provided the following instructions are adhered to. Thanks so much for your interest.
Permission is granted to use this essay, in whole or in part, in printed form only. Permission is not granted to post this essay, in whole or in part, online. Webmasters may link to this essay, provided it is done without the use of frames.
All printed copies of this essay, in whole or in part, MUST include the following information:
Copyright 2001, Rachel Giarrizzo
www.NursingAssistantCentral.com
Thursday, February 19, 2009
My Daily Choice...
My daily choice is to rise and shine or rise and whine. --Anonymous.
I like that...it's the decision we get to make each morning... to live IN the day or not....too far ahead or behind us we spoil it all.
I'm listening more to GOD today.
Thanks to my sponsor for the suggestion.
Progress not perfection...ALWAYS better than if I were drinking.
Thanks for letting me share.
~Shug
I like that...it's the decision we get to make each morning... to live IN the day or not....too far ahead or behind us we spoil it all.
I'm listening more to GOD today.
Thanks to my sponsor for the suggestion.
Progress not perfection...ALWAYS better than if I were drinking.
Thanks for letting me share.
~Shug
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